Changes, success, and other random thoughts

Sometimes you get so wrapped up in the day to day grind you forget the things that set you on your path, you forget what direction you are supposed to be going.  It is like walking through a long tunnel.  You know, somewhere in your mind, there is a sky, trees, birds, fresh air but all you can see is the gray of the walls and a faint light up ahead.  After a while, you begin to feel disoriented and the only real goal is to keep trudging forward towards the end in hopes of reaching something different. 

Then you remember what it is like to get out of that tunnel.  You remember there are multiple roads and mountains to climb.  The walk through the tunnel is not the goal, reaching the end is not the goal; it is merely another piece of the journey.  You get to choose where to go, be it up, down, straight ahead, or back in the tunnel.  Your steps get faster, more determined, as your brain works though the possible roads to take knowing none of them will be wrong as long as you maintain the direction you feel good about. 

This does not mean you will not trip and fall.  It does not mean the direction you choose will be the right choice for you at that moment in time.  It does not mean you will not fail.  It does not mean it will not hurt.  It does mean you have more options than staying in the tunnel.  It means you have the opportunity to succeed.  We would not know what success is if we did not fail every once in a while.  If you did not trip on the step, you would not know to pick up your feet.  If you do not pick up your feet, you will not be able to climb the mountain.

So take the chance.  Take the road with the giant potholes, steep hills, and hairpin curves. The straightaways are going to feel amazing and the views will be epic.

Meaning

The last few weeks has been full of introspection.  I find myself without a cause I identify with, without a larger purpose or goal for the first time in a few years. I am feel disconnected from the things I value.  Basically, I feel directionless. The needle on the compass is spinning.

When I feel lost I often find myself thinking about the future.  Where do I want to go?  Who do I want to be? What do I want my life to be about?  These thoughts are future oriented. I find hope in the future.

I recently read Victor Frankle's "Man's Search For Meaning."  One of the major themes I took from this book was when stripped of everything, even our bodies own abilities to function, we as humans are still hardwired to find hope.  We constantly seek out the purpose in life.  The thing that drives us.  We search for beauty in dark places.  We hold on to love, even when it is not there.  We find a cause worth focusing our energy towards.  When we have nothing, we search for these things and look to the future to find some kind of purpose for the suffering we endure.  Finding meaning in that suffering allows us to accept it.  It allows us to stop struggling against it simply move within it.  From this place, where we are able to stop struggling, we can look forward, gaining hope for the future.  The key is to find that thing that gives you purpose, the thing that gives you hope.  Once you see it, even just a glimmer, do something about it.

Perfect

How many moments do you waist thinking of how to put out something perfect the first time?  I often sit here thinking of exactly what I want to say, what I want to do, how what I put out into the universe will ultimately represent me and how I feel about that message.  A lot of time to put things off.  A lot of time for doubt to creep in.  

The reality is nothing is going to be "perfect."  The term is subjective.  There is no measurable criteria for what it is and it can change based on the lens in which you currently view the world.  My perfect today may not be my perfect tomorrow and mine may be no where near yours.

So why wait.  Just put something out there.  Go back and add to it.  Morph it into what you want it to be.  Take feedback, incorporate it, or don't, but at least learn from the experience.  Practice acceptance and be kind to yourself for your mistakes.  

This is the path to success.  The quest for perfection is a stall tactic.  You are not living your life, you are wishing it away for something you may never achieve.  

"Perfect" content, "Perfect" creation comes from the process.  It is often what happens on the journey which brings you happiness, not the attainment of the goal. 

So go. Do. Create. Speak your mind.  Live life.

This experience has shown me how much healthier I am now than I use to be.  I would have ran away from all this a few years ago.  I would have called people I shouldn't  and done things to make the pain go away.  I would be in a car somewhere, in a new city, not feeling anything.
I would have pushed every one away with my temper and my self focus.  I would have burned bridges and destroyed as much as I possibly could.  Misery loves company.
Instead I have learned to breathe.  To sit with the pain, just as in good times I sit with the happiness.  I have learned to watch my thoughts, to test their reality.  I am able to notice the judgments and facilities more easily now.  I am able to take that moment and weigh the consequences of my actions.  I am aware of what kind of person I want to be.  I know the path I want to take and I strive to maintain the direction which will keep me on the journey I want to take.  I make the choice to walk that path.
Today that path is filled with obstacles. It is filled with fallen trees, ravines to cross, its pouring rain and mother nature is blasting biting winds.  It will pass.  The road will get easier for a time, just as it was easy once before. The key is to put on the rain coat and rubber boots and keep moving forward until the weather clears.

This blog is really not turning out the way I thought it would.

Sell out

I toss this term around a lot.  It is a powerful phrase "I'm a sell out."  It implies I have done something against my values in order to achieve some sort of financial or otherwise tangible gain. The funny part, to me anyways, is I only half believe it.
I changed my entire life, set out on a path to achieve the goal of being a therapist.  I worked hard, finished school at the top of my class with academic awards, letters of recommendations and job offers.  Isn't that what everyone wants when they embark on a new career?
I spent two years fully invested in learning skills and stretching myself to not only be a better communicator but be a better listener.  I learned ways to apply those skills I already had and turn them into effective ways to ease peoples suffering.  We are talking stuff of my dreams here people!  how could I not love this?  I get to talk to people for a living, listen and learn about them, help them learn problem solving and to have faith in themselves so they lead more functional lives?  I get to help them decrease their own suffering?  I get to HELP people?!? Woohoo!  I value nothing more than those things.  "I am on the right path" I thought for the first time in my life.
Then this job opportunity comes along.  It is in the field that lead me back to going to school.  It pays REALLY well.  More than I have ever made.  More than my parents have ever made.  For the first time in my life I could pay all of my bills.  Get out of debt.  Help my parents.  All things that are important to me.
So, I walked away from therapy.  I told myself (and still do) I will build a private practice on the side.  I can still be a Therapist, just in addition to taking this gig.  It eats away at me a little every day.
So here is where the argument of being a sell out comes in.  The job I took, the one that pays the bills, creates lasting change for people who often cannot help themselves.  I talk to people, listen to concerns, and create policies which will allow people to learn to be more independent, get their needs met, learn things, and be healthy.  This job allows me to Help people, to decrease suffering but instead of one person at a time, the changes I attempt to implement effect thousands of people who NEED change.  People who do not have the food, medical care, mental health/behavioral supports they need to be successful.  These changes will not only affect them tomorrow but the next day, and the next year.
So as I joke about "selling out" and as I feel bad about not doing the thing I love I take solace in the fact that I am still living my values.  I value helping those who need it.  I value teaching people skills to lead more functional lives.  I value being able to take care of myself and my family.  I value making sure people feel heard.  I still do all of those things.  Just not in the way I had planned.
Does it "feed my soul?" No.  Am I "Happy?" Not really.  Is what I am doing more important than those selfish feelings? Yes.

Sometimes I need a reminder that the key in living ones values is in the direction you are traveling, not what road you take, and not the final destination.  I am still heading north.

Depression Blows

Depression is weird.
 I was really, really down for the last few weeks/month.  Really down. I was struggling to stay afloat and even just get out of bed everyday.  I spent my weekends hold up in the house.  If you know me at all, you know how uncharacteristic it is for me not to either be out doing something or spending time with friends.  I hated everything.  I was not good enough to want anyone to bother wasting their time with me.

Things started to turn around this weekend.  I sucked it up and went out, even when I wanted nothing more than to go to bed and sleep.  I laughed. I drank.  I had fun with one of my closest friends. I felt less hopeless. I went for a swim.  I played with the dog.  I did not HATE work(still don't love it) and I have not just come home and gone straight to bed.
Are things totally better? No.
Do I still struggle with hopelessness? Yes. Frequently through the day.
Do I still just want to come home and sleep or call in sick to work? Yes.
Do I still have thoughts that are destructive and make me want to run away? Yes.
Do I think I am not worth it? No.
Do I want to give up? No.
Do I remind my self, every day, what is important to me? Yes.
Do I challenge the thoughts that tell me I am (Insert insult here)? Yes.

The message here is to keep moving.  Each day do one thing.  Start small.  Make yourself do something.  If you don't do it, show yourself some compassion and reinvest in yourself for something more attainable.  It is OK to be unhappy and it is OK to want to take a little break.  Ask yourself though, if I take that break, how will that help me to be the person I want to be?
What steps do you need to take to keep walking that path?  You may never get there, but the journey is where you will find the richness of life.

keep swimming

There is a kind of high I get when there is a problem to be solved.  When I am in a position to help someone find the right path for them.  My brain feels fully engaged, which always surprises me and reminds me how little effort I put into so many things.  It feels like my head spins with options, interventions, philosophical diatribes, and challenging questions I could use to help the person gain access to a new way of viewing their own world.
I can spin for hours in my mind on how to break down someones problems into new ways of viewing the world and themselves.  Often, I believe, that is where we get stuck.  We get stuck in our interpretation of our own world view.  We get stuck believing the thoughts popping around our heads, or get stuck in the overwhelming emotions we are feelings.  We get swamped by them and we forget that as that wave crashes, if we relax a little, we will float to the surface where the air is clear again.  Its like when you fall in the water.  At first, you are in shock.  you are overwhelmed by the feeling of being out of control, of danger, of not being able to breath.  It is dark and you are disoriented.  Then you see the surface, a shimmer of light or the blue sky above the water and you fight furiously to get to the surface.  All of you energy is expended, and you are again swamped by the fear of not being able to breathe.  If you relax however, you begin to float up, you are less strained to breath, and you reach the surface and take the breath you need so you can assess the situation with some objectivity and begin to swim towards the shore.
Not easy.  Not at all.  It is necessary for success and survival.
I suppose, you could say, all I really want is to teach people how to swim.