It is that time of year when we all tend to take stock and
look at events of the past year and focus on what lies ahead. I often find
myself pushing away any kind of serious reflection or thought. I will find other things to distract my brain
so I don’t have to feel all of the feelings that come up when I look back or
anticipate what the new year will bring. Even now, the T.V is blaring in the
background to deaden any really deep thinking. Definitely something I need to
work on. It is not living to constantly
be distracted. Never present to feel the richness of the moment. I am doing myself
a disservice.
The last year has been a mixed bag. Nothing too tragic and nothing too
wonderful. Most of the struggle has been
internal. I started out the year very
sick and very stressed. I was working a
job I hated and although I was surrounded by awesome and talented people, every
day I felt like a piece of me was being chipped away. My ego was in a constant battle with my
values. I value helping people, teaching them skills to help gain independence,
making them feel heard, providing a human connection with those who feel alone
and isolated. In that job, I was helping people on a large scale, kind of,
through creating policy, however I often felt the direction those policies took
was away from the overall goal of independence. There seemed to be no logic and
no time to problem solve or explain to people the why behind the quick answers
we had to give. My ego loved the
constant praise, the frequent victories, and just generally being good at
something. I was offered jobs,
promotions, and opportunities to do things at levels most people would work for
years to achieve. None of it really
mattered though. As time went on the stress began to get to me. I worked 16 hours or more a day and I drank
more than I have since high school (that is worrisome for those keeping
track.) I thought of promoting up from
where I was and again, the idea fed my ego, but the rest of me railed against
it. Finally, I decided I needed to leave. I went to grad school for a reason and it was
not developing rate models and wading through red tape. It was helping people. So I quit.
The next step was the beginning of a private practice. If I really think about my mental state and
motivations I would have done anything to just take a break for a while and
stay as far away from bureaucracy as I could get. I’m not sure that was the right mindset to do
what I was about to do, but it is what it was.
I opened my doors 3 weeks early as I was offered a contract with a small
agency to do individual therapy. I had
not even designed my website and I had 3 clients. It can take some clinician’s months to find
one. I also scored a contract with my favorite advocacy group doing something I
loved with the added bonus of accruing clinical hours while I got to travel. This
lasted for 6 months. I had some thoughts
I would use this time to do some epic things.
I have books in my head and I wanted to find some speaking gigs at
conferences in hopes of really establishing myself. I booked one speaking engagement at a
conference and I’ve written about 5000 words.
Not exactly the progress I wanted to make, but it is progress. Overall,
I look back on this year’s professional accomplishments and I am OK with my
progress. Can I do better? Always.
Personally, not a lot about this year has been
memorable. Snippets here and there,
mostly good feelings and laughs with friends.
I am blessed with knowing amazing people. I have reconnected with some friends and
gained distance with others. I am
constantly inspired by the goodness of my peer group. They help others, are creative, ambitious,
and supportive. They are instigators and
partners in crime and I am so thankful to have the privilege to spend time with
them. I have experienced ghosts who don’t seem to be content with haunting the shadows
but keep seeking the spotlight and who haven’t seemed to realize I am not
afraid of them anymore. After the initial trigger and tornado of feelings I was
able to grow and take the lessons those experiences provided to keep moving
forward. I have learned to live without my four legged best friend and realized
we never actually loose the ones we love.
They just change forms and our access is different. I have learned the
hard and valuable lesson that sometimes getting what you want isn’t the
greatest. The idea that you build up in
your head is not the reality. People have moments when they are ugly and
terrible and do things that suck. This
doesn’t make them a bad person, just not the best version of themselves and it
is up to us to practice acceptance and forgiveness.
Lastly, this year I have struggled a lot with some personal
issues. With living my values and being
true to who I am. It seems easier to keep quiet and to not share certain
aspects of yourself with people you care about when you know they are opposed
to or simply don’t understand a particular way of being. It is not easier. It is damned hard. It slowly eats away and builds resentment and
causes you to doubt the trueness of the relationship you have with the other
person. It makes you hide a piece of who you are and makes you feel disingenuous.
How can you be happy like that? So that ends today.
I truly believe if you are a good person and you put good
out into the world it will come back to you.
Surround yourself with likeminded people who you find inspirational. My
key to success in the coming year is to live genuinely and I only hope the ones
I love will come along for the ride.
Create, give, laugh, work hard, and do the thing that scares
you.
