End of the year thoughts

It is that time of year when we all tend to take stock and look at events of the past year and focus on what lies ahead. I often find myself pushing away any kind of serious reflection or thought.  I will find other things to distract my brain so I don’t have to feel all of the feelings that come up when I look back or anticipate what the new year will bring. Even now, the T.V is blaring in the background to deaden any really deep thinking. Definitely something I need to work on.  It is not living to constantly be distracted. Never present to feel the richness of the moment. I am doing myself a disservice.

The last year has been a mixed bag.  Nothing too tragic and nothing too wonderful.  Most of the struggle has been internal.  I started out the year very sick and very stressed.  I was working a job I hated and although I was surrounded by awesome and talented people, every day I felt like a piece of me was being chipped away.  My ego was in a constant battle with my values. I value helping people, teaching them skills to help gain independence, making them feel heard, providing a human connection with those who feel alone and isolated. In that job, I was helping people on a large scale, kind of, through creating policy, however I often felt the direction those policies took was away from the overall goal of independence. There seemed to be no logic and no time to problem solve or explain to people the why behind the quick answers we had to give.  My ego loved the constant praise, the frequent victories, and just generally being good at something.  I was offered jobs, promotions, and opportunities to do things at levels most people would work for years to achieve.  None of it really mattered though. As time went on the stress began to get to me.  I worked 16 hours or more a day and I drank more than I have since high school (that is worrisome for those keeping track.)  I thought of promoting up from where I was and again, the idea fed my ego, but the rest of me railed against it. Finally, I decided I needed to leave.  I went to grad school for a reason and it was not developing rate models and wading through red tape.  It was helping people.  So I quit.

The next step was the beginning of a private practice.  If I really think about my mental state and motivations I would have done anything to just take a break for a while and stay as far away from bureaucracy as I could get.  I’m not sure that was the right mindset to do what I was about to do, but it is what it was.  I opened my doors 3 weeks early as I was offered a contract with a small agency to do individual therapy.  I had not even designed my website and I had 3 clients.  It can take some clinician’s months to find one. I also scored a contract with my favorite advocacy group doing something I loved with the added bonus of accruing clinical hours while I got to travel. This lasted for 6 months.  I had some thoughts I would use this time to do some epic things.  I have books in my head and I wanted to find some speaking gigs at conferences in hopes of really establishing myself.  I booked one speaking engagement at a conference and I’ve written about 5000 words.  Not exactly the progress I wanted to make, but it is progress. Overall, I look back on this year’s professional accomplishments and I am OK with my progress.  Can I do better? Always.

Personally, not a lot about this year has been memorable.  Snippets here and there, mostly good feelings and laughs with friends.  I am blessed with knowing amazing people.  I have reconnected with some friends and gained distance with others.  I am constantly inspired by the goodness of my peer group.  They help others, are creative, ambitious, and supportive.  They are instigators and partners in crime and I am so thankful to have the privilege to spend time with them. I have experienced ghosts who don’t seem to be content with haunting the shadows but keep seeking the spotlight and who haven’t seemed to realize I am not afraid of them anymore. After the initial trigger and tornado of feelings I was able to grow and take the lessons those experiences provided to keep moving forward. I have learned to live without my four legged best friend and realized we never actually loose the ones we love.  They just change forms and our access is different. I have learned the hard and valuable lesson that sometimes getting what you want isn’t the greatest.  The idea that you build up in your head is not the reality. People have moments when they are ugly and terrible and do things that suck.  This doesn’t make them a bad person, just not the best version of themselves and it is up to us to practice acceptance and forgiveness. 

Lastly, this year I have struggled a lot with some personal issues.  With living my values and being true to who I am. It seems easier to keep quiet and to not share certain aspects of yourself with people you care about when you know they are opposed to or simply don’t understand a particular way of being. It is not easier.  It is damned hard.  It slowly eats away and builds resentment and causes you to doubt the trueness of the relationship you have with the other person. It makes you hide a piece of who you are and makes you feel disingenuous. How can you be happy like that? So that ends today.

I truly believe if you are a good person and you put good out into the world it will come back to you.  Surround yourself with likeminded people who you find inspirational. My key to success in the coming year is to live genuinely and I only hope the ones I love will come along for the ride.

Create, give, laugh, work hard, and do the thing that scares you.

Difficult conversations- Thoughts and musings 1

I am taking some time, while I am building my practice and have it, to write down some ideas.  I thought I would give them a run here.

Part 1

Why is this so hard to sit down with someone and tell him or her something that they potentially do not want to hear?  Have you ever sat in your office or home or even on the bus ride into work just dreading some of the conversations that you are going to have to have today?  You feel a knot in your stomach your chest feels heavy, maybe your mind is racing with all these scenarios of how the people you need to talk to could potentially react.  Maybe you have convinced yourself on your commute in or during your prep time that the conversation that you need to have is so terrible that there is going to be yelling in response, or tears, or someone is going to be so angry with you personally that they will never speak to you again.  Do you ever have the thought of “why do I always have to be the bad guy?”  Doesn’t it just suck knowing that day after day you are faced with these conversations?  Let’s spend a few minutes looking at why these conversations bring up these kinds of feelings.  Why are they so hard?

First off, these conversations are difficult because the stakes are high.  We might be talking about subjects that affect an individual’s health and well-being.  We are likely talking about things that elicit an emotional response.  Maybe we are talking to a mother about how sick her child really is and what the treatment options are, or aren’t.  Maybe were talking to a provider about the lack of funding on the state level that is going to result in them closing down group homes which not only affects their business bottom line but it displaces employees and most importantly the individuals that they support and help to have held the happy, more independent lives.  

Sometimes we are talking to that individual who keeps making bad choices.  The person that continues to use drugs or places themselves in dangerous situations out on the streets, or has such significant hygiene issues that they are continuously getting sick and although it is absolutely their right to live in whatever manner they would like you’re still responsible for the health and safety of that individual and so you need to discuss with them the importance of taking care of themselves and draw the proverbial ‘line in the sand’ of when you actually have to intervene and make sure that they are maintaining a standard of health. Maybe you are talking to your teenager about his or her sex life or counseling someone through gender identity issues, or maybe you’re talking to your coworker about how stressed out they appear and how that is affecting the other people around in the clients that their supporting.

No matter the reason or your audience these conversations are all difficult. They are all putting you in a situation of needing to tell someone something that they may or may not want to hear.  All of these things can be highly personal because ultimately were talking about health and safety and whether someone lives, or is sick, or even dies and although money is a very important thing in our world, the well-being of other humans is still so much more important and thus makes these conversations so much harder.

Stay tuned for more... 

Life changes and reasons

For those who insist on criticizing my decision to quit my job, here is a little insight.

I recently graduated with my Master’s degree in counseling psychology. Grad school was a phenomenal experience for me. As a returning student, I was far more engaged than I ever have been in any other learning environment. Learning about all of the aspects of therapy, the relationship building, the power of active listening, the overall impact you can have by truly listening to another human being is very meaningful to me. I value helping others and I love to talk and have a personal connection with another human. So I feel like this is my calling in grad school reinforced that for me. I left grad school and instead of pursuing a career as a therapist I returned the state government. The allure of a paycheck and health benefits was a lot to resist. I spent a year as a mid-level executive manager working in social services field and it was the most stressful, painful, joyless experience of my life. Don’t get me wrong, the people I worked with were amazing. We often worked 60 to 70 hour work weeks, came in on weekends and did everything we could possibly do to serve as the individuals who truly need support. Unfortunately, the system is broken and state bureaucracy delays the ability to have a true impact on individuals lives. And that’s where I personally want to be, in a position where I can positively impact another person. A position where I can help someone to be the most independent they can be. That independence can be from anything, it can be from substance abuse for an abusive partner, it can be freedom from dependence on others for freedom from social isolation, it can be a level of independence with their severe mental health issue that they’ve never experienced before. The bottom line is independence.

So I got to a point in that job that for the first time in my life I was experiencing panic attacks, my blood pressure was through the roof, my health had taken a serious dive and I wasn’t able to maintain even my most basic routines. I was severely depressed and I drank all the time. I went home from work one afternoon, okay it was an afternoon, it was more like seven or 8 o’clock at night, and I poured myself a tumbler bourbon and then proceeded to download whole thing like it was a glass of water. Then I got out my shaker in the ingredients to make a nice cocktail and I sat at the desk in my home office and I sipped on two or three more drinks as I continued to work on the days project and return the hundreds of emails I had gotten in that one day that I was in meetings and was unable to answer during my normal work hours. This was a daily occurrence for me. Before I took that job I swam at least five days a week if not more, I eat healthy, and I drank but I only drink with friends or on the weekends. I was to the point that I felt like everything I touched was broken and nothing I could do would make anything better. And when you value helping other people and you feel like all you’re doing is hurting them as a terrible place to be. I had no desire to get up in the morning or to go to work when you see my friends all I wanted to do is sleep. So the day finally came that I had this epiphany. I couldn’t do this anymore. It was not what I was supposed to do with like. So I quit. I gave a month’s notice and I almost instantly felt better. It took me a really long time to recover from that year, and there are still times that I feel that stress about the state of the system and every day I know that I absolutely right choice for me. So I spent the last 30 days with the state putting things in place to open on my own private practice. Found an office, and a clinical supervisor, and I set up the entire business. They managed to wrangle some consulting work, which I love because it involves high amount travel in talking to people and helping them be more independent. And now I sit here in my office with time to kill as I build my caseload and I worry about things like in my going to have enough clients this month to pay my rent, or my car payment. Will the time that I spend with my client tomorrow be productive for them? I read the articles, go to conferences, a continual learning so I can be the best therapist that I can possibly be to help promote independence within my clients. And you know what, even though this is scary and even though some of my friends think I’m crazy for walking away from a secure job high-paying job in the prestige and had it not field, I’m finally happy.

Choices, Change, and Opportunity

Someone wise told me tonight that the opportunities that keep knocking at my door are not going to go away any time soon.  They will be there tomorrow, next week, and in 5 years.  What I took from this was the ability to breath.  I was able to recognize, with that simple statement, I have choices.  I do not have to scramble to do everything all at once. These opportunities are here because of the hard work I have put in over the years.  The networking, the education, and the skills I have developed over the years open these doors.  More importantly, I open these doors. They say, "When opportunity knocks, you should listen." Sometimes what it is saying is look at how far you have come.
Opening doors, inevitably, means choosing one to walk through.  I have been standing in the doorway for quite a few months now.  A foot on each side of the threshold.  I have been split in half in what I want to do.  Do you make a large impact, or focus on many small ones?  Do you do the thing that feeds your soul or do you do the thing in which you can do the most good? Those are the big questions.  Now don't think, dear reader, that some of this decision isn't based in selfishness.  I am highly egotistical.  I enjoy being successful, being good at something.  I like to win. I also think I can do anything I put my mind too. It might not be perfect at first, but I will find the resources, I will learn the thing, and it will get done.  Do not doubt it.
So the key to any decision with me is to look at it with some perspective.  To identify how much my ego is playing a role vs how much is truly altruism and how much is actually a realistic possibility.
I am fortunate to have friends who remind me of this.
I have no answers tonight, nor do I know what direction I will go or which side of the door I will walk through.  I do know that life is nothing but the choices we make, we are the actions we take, and opportunity is made, not stumbled across.

Changes, success, and other random thoughts

Sometimes you get so wrapped up in the day to day grind you forget the things that set you on your path, you forget what direction you are supposed to be going.  It is like walking through a long tunnel.  You know, somewhere in your mind, there is a sky, trees, birds, fresh air but all you can see is the gray of the walls and a faint light up ahead.  After a while, you begin to feel disoriented and the only real goal is to keep trudging forward towards the end in hopes of reaching something different. 

Then you remember what it is like to get out of that tunnel.  You remember there are multiple roads and mountains to climb.  The walk through the tunnel is not the goal, reaching the end is not the goal; it is merely another piece of the journey.  You get to choose where to go, be it up, down, straight ahead, or back in the tunnel.  Your steps get faster, more determined, as your brain works though the possible roads to take knowing none of them will be wrong as long as you maintain the direction you feel good about. 

This does not mean you will not trip and fall.  It does not mean the direction you choose will be the right choice for you at that moment in time.  It does not mean you will not fail.  It does not mean it will not hurt.  It does mean you have more options than staying in the tunnel.  It means you have the opportunity to succeed.  We would not know what success is if we did not fail every once in a while.  If you did not trip on the step, you would not know to pick up your feet.  If you do not pick up your feet, you will not be able to climb the mountain.

So take the chance.  Take the road with the giant potholes, steep hills, and hairpin curves. The straightaways are going to feel amazing and the views will be epic.

Meaning

The last few weeks has been full of introspection.  I find myself without a cause I identify with, without a larger purpose or goal for the first time in a few years. I am feel disconnected from the things I value.  Basically, I feel directionless. The needle on the compass is spinning.

When I feel lost I often find myself thinking about the future.  Where do I want to go?  Who do I want to be? What do I want my life to be about?  These thoughts are future oriented. I find hope in the future.

I recently read Victor Frankle's "Man's Search For Meaning."  One of the major themes I took from this book was when stripped of everything, even our bodies own abilities to function, we as humans are still hardwired to find hope.  We constantly seek out the purpose in life.  The thing that drives us.  We search for beauty in dark places.  We hold on to love, even when it is not there.  We find a cause worth focusing our energy towards.  When we have nothing, we search for these things and look to the future to find some kind of purpose for the suffering we endure.  Finding meaning in that suffering allows us to accept it.  It allows us to stop struggling against it simply move within it.  From this place, where we are able to stop struggling, we can look forward, gaining hope for the future.  The key is to find that thing that gives you purpose, the thing that gives you hope.  Once you see it, even just a glimmer, do something about it.

Perfect

How many moments do you waist thinking of how to put out something perfect the first time?  I often sit here thinking of exactly what I want to say, what I want to do, how what I put out into the universe will ultimately represent me and how I feel about that message.  A lot of time to put things off.  A lot of time for doubt to creep in.  

The reality is nothing is going to be "perfect."  The term is subjective.  There is no measurable criteria for what it is and it can change based on the lens in which you currently view the world.  My perfect today may not be my perfect tomorrow and mine may be no where near yours.

So why wait.  Just put something out there.  Go back and add to it.  Morph it into what you want it to be.  Take feedback, incorporate it, or don't, but at least learn from the experience.  Practice acceptance and be kind to yourself for your mistakes.  

This is the path to success.  The quest for perfection is a stall tactic.  You are not living your life, you are wishing it away for something you may never achieve.  

"Perfect" content, "Perfect" creation comes from the process.  It is often what happens on the journey which brings you happiness, not the attainment of the goal. 

So go. Do. Create. Speak your mind.  Live life.