This experience has shown me how much healthier I am now than I use to be.  I would have ran away from all this a few years ago.  I would have called people I shouldn't  and done things to make the pain go away.  I would be in a car somewhere, in a new city, not feeling anything.
I would have pushed every one away with my temper and my self focus.  I would have burned bridges and destroyed as much as I possibly could.  Misery loves company.
Instead I have learned to breathe.  To sit with the pain, just as in good times I sit with the happiness.  I have learned to watch my thoughts, to test their reality.  I am able to notice the judgments and facilities more easily now.  I am able to take that moment and weigh the consequences of my actions.  I am aware of what kind of person I want to be.  I know the path I want to take and I strive to maintain the direction which will keep me on the journey I want to take.  I make the choice to walk that path.
Today that path is filled with obstacles. It is filled with fallen trees, ravines to cross, its pouring rain and mother nature is blasting biting winds.  It will pass.  The road will get easier for a time, just as it was easy once before. The key is to put on the rain coat and rubber boots and keep moving forward until the weather clears.

This blog is really not turning out the way I thought it would.

Sell out

I toss this term around a lot.  It is a powerful phrase "I'm a sell out."  It implies I have done something against my values in order to achieve some sort of financial or otherwise tangible gain. The funny part, to me anyways, is I only half believe it.
I changed my entire life, set out on a path to achieve the goal of being a therapist.  I worked hard, finished school at the top of my class with academic awards, letters of recommendations and job offers.  Isn't that what everyone wants when they embark on a new career?
I spent two years fully invested in learning skills and stretching myself to not only be a better communicator but be a better listener.  I learned ways to apply those skills I already had and turn them into effective ways to ease peoples suffering.  We are talking stuff of my dreams here people!  how could I not love this?  I get to talk to people for a living, listen and learn about them, help them learn problem solving and to have faith in themselves so they lead more functional lives?  I get to help them decrease their own suffering?  I get to HELP people?!? Woohoo!  I value nothing more than those things.  "I am on the right path" I thought for the first time in my life.
Then this job opportunity comes along.  It is in the field that lead me back to going to school.  It pays REALLY well.  More than I have ever made.  More than my parents have ever made.  For the first time in my life I could pay all of my bills.  Get out of debt.  Help my parents.  All things that are important to me.
So, I walked away from therapy.  I told myself (and still do) I will build a private practice on the side.  I can still be a Therapist, just in addition to taking this gig.  It eats away at me a little every day.
So here is where the argument of being a sell out comes in.  The job I took, the one that pays the bills, creates lasting change for people who often cannot help themselves.  I talk to people, listen to concerns, and create policies which will allow people to learn to be more independent, get their needs met, learn things, and be healthy.  This job allows me to Help people, to decrease suffering but instead of one person at a time, the changes I attempt to implement effect thousands of people who NEED change.  People who do not have the food, medical care, mental health/behavioral supports they need to be successful.  These changes will not only affect them tomorrow but the next day, and the next year.
So as I joke about "selling out" and as I feel bad about not doing the thing I love I take solace in the fact that I am still living my values.  I value helping those who need it.  I value teaching people skills to lead more functional lives.  I value being able to take care of myself and my family.  I value making sure people feel heard.  I still do all of those things.  Just not in the way I had planned.
Does it "feed my soul?" No.  Am I "Happy?" Not really.  Is what I am doing more important than those selfish feelings? Yes.

Sometimes I need a reminder that the key in living ones values is in the direction you are traveling, not what road you take, and not the final destination.  I am still heading north.

Depression Blows

Depression is weird.
 I was really, really down for the last few weeks/month.  Really down. I was struggling to stay afloat and even just get out of bed everyday.  I spent my weekends hold up in the house.  If you know me at all, you know how uncharacteristic it is for me not to either be out doing something or spending time with friends.  I hated everything.  I was not good enough to want anyone to bother wasting their time with me.

Things started to turn around this weekend.  I sucked it up and went out, even when I wanted nothing more than to go to bed and sleep.  I laughed. I drank.  I had fun with one of my closest friends. I felt less hopeless. I went for a swim.  I played with the dog.  I did not HATE work(still don't love it) and I have not just come home and gone straight to bed.
Are things totally better? No.
Do I still struggle with hopelessness? Yes. Frequently through the day.
Do I still just want to come home and sleep or call in sick to work? Yes.
Do I still have thoughts that are destructive and make me want to run away? Yes.
Do I think I am not worth it? No.
Do I want to give up? No.
Do I remind my self, every day, what is important to me? Yes.
Do I challenge the thoughts that tell me I am (Insert insult here)? Yes.

The message here is to keep moving.  Each day do one thing.  Start small.  Make yourself do something.  If you don't do it, show yourself some compassion and reinvest in yourself for something more attainable.  It is OK to be unhappy and it is OK to want to take a little break.  Ask yourself though, if I take that break, how will that help me to be the person I want to be?
What steps do you need to take to keep walking that path?  You may never get there, but the journey is where you will find the richness of life.

keep swimming

There is a kind of high I get when there is a problem to be solved.  When I am in a position to help someone find the right path for them.  My brain feels fully engaged, which always surprises me and reminds me how little effort I put into so many things.  It feels like my head spins with options, interventions, philosophical diatribes, and challenging questions I could use to help the person gain access to a new way of viewing their own world.
I can spin for hours in my mind on how to break down someones problems into new ways of viewing the world and themselves.  Often, I believe, that is where we get stuck.  We get stuck in our interpretation of our own world view.  We get stuck believing the thoughts popping around our heads, or get stuck in the overwhelming emotions we are feelings.  We get swamped by them and we forget that as that wave crashes, if we relax a little, we will float to the surface where the air is clear again.  Its like when you fall in the water.  At first, you are in shock.  you are overwhelmed by the feeling of being out of control, of danger, of not being able to breath.  It is dark and you are disoriented.  Then you see the surface, a shimmer of light or the blue sky above the water and you fight furiously to get to the surface.  All of you energy is expended, and you are again swamped by the fear of not being able to breathe.  If you relax however, you begin to float up, you are less strained to breath, and you reach the surface and take the breath you need so you can assess the situation with some objectivity and begin to swim towards the shore.
Not easy.  Not at all.  It is necessary for success and survival.
I suppose, you could say, all I really want is to teach people how to swim.

Perspective taking

I am a therapist.
It is strange to say that.  It still does not seem real.  I have been on this journey, off and on, my entire life.
One of the tools I use most often in the type of therapy I practice is perspective taking.  I ask my clients to compare their actions, thoughts, and feelings they experience right now, to some time in the past.  Sometimes it is from when they walked into session, sometimes it is from a year ago. Whats the goal in this? It is a couple of things.

One is the ability to be here, in the present moment.  By attending to your current state and being present with your thoughts you are in a place of awareness.  In a place of awareness, we are also in a position to take action.  Having the ability to be aware of the thoughts your mind is telling you gives you the ability to test those thoughts.  Are they true?  Is something influencing them?  Are the judgments?  Do you have to believe them?  Sometimes our thoughts trick us into thinking we are bad people, failures, stupid, wrong, or any other variety of things.
Second, is the ability to identify change.  What has changed over time?  Have you grown? Have the thoughts you have become more productive, or less?  Do you spend more time making choices which guide you to the kind of person you want to be, or are you caught up in your thoughts? Stuck. Its easy to get caught up in judgments.
I, for example, spend a great deal of time listening to this internal message that "I am not good enough,"  "I am a bad person," " I am not a good student,"  even when I have evidence to the contrary.  So I spend some time, when these thoughts seem to be a little louder or a little more frequent, taking perspective.  If I reflect on where I was 10 years ago compared to where I was today, what do I see?  What about 20 years ago?  Where those messages the same?  Did I have evidence to back it up?
Now look at today.  Am I those thoughts? No.  How do I know?  I know because I do good things, I have friends who love me, I have a high grade point average, I will have a graduate degree.  None of these things back up the negative messages.  With that evidence, I can make a choice not to believe them.
Are they still there? Sure.  Do I like them? NO.  Can I continue to live my life, do the things I find valuable and strive to be the person I want to be while hearing those thoughts? Yes.  I can choose each day to do the things that feed my soul.
I was a bad student when I was younger.  I did bad things to people. I felt that I was a disappointment to everyone who ever thought I was worth anything. Even with that, I knew who I wanted to be.  Even during the times when my judgment was poor I would choose to do little things that contradicted those messages.  I would help an old lady across the street.  I would put my last dollar in the Salvation Army bucket at Christmas, I would sit and listen to the alcoholic homeless person on the streets and offer them some empathy.  I took action, even small, even when i felt trapped and like I had no choice, to do something good and contrary to those messages.
Today, I am a good person.  I volunteer, make charitable contributions, support my friends selflessly, care for others and strive, in almost everything I do, to lessen the struggle of other humans.  I am good enough for everything I have ever wanted.  I work hard.  I play hard.  I am the only one who can hold myself back from my goals.  I am intelligent.  I challenge my own thoughts. I read.  I have received academic awards and have a high GPA.  Most of all, I am confident in myself.
Sometimes its good to take perspective.  Especially when those old messages still sit at the back of your mind.  Take them out.  Stop carrying them with both hands.  Set them down and continue to do the things that are important to you.  You will find success if you do.