Life changes and reasons

For those who insist on criticizing my decision to quit my job, here is a little insight.

I recently graduated with my Master’s degree in counseling psychology. Grad school was a phenomenal experience for me. As a returning student, I was far more engaged than I ever have been in any other learning environment. Learning about all of the aspects of therapy, the relationship building, the power of active listening, the overall impact you can have by truly listening to another human being is very meaningful to me. I value helping others and I love to talk and have a personal connection with another human. So I feel like this is my calling in grad school reinforced that for me. I left grad school and instead of pursuing a career as a therapist I returned the state government. The allure of a paycheck and health benefits was a lot to resist. I spent a year as a mid-level executive manager working in social services field and it was the most stressful, painful, joyless experience of my life. Don’t get me wrong, the people I worked with were amazing. We often worked 60 to 70 hour work weeks, came in on weekends and did everything we could possibly do to serve as the individuals who truly need support. Unfortunately, the system is broken and state bureaucracy delays the ability to have a true impact on individuals lives. And that’s where I personally want to be, in a position where I can positively impact another person. A position where I can help someone to be the most independent they can be. That independence can be from anything, it can be from substance abuse for an abusive partner, it can be freedom from dependence on others for freedom from social isolation, it can be a level of independence with their severe mental health issue that they’ve never experienced before. The bottom line is independence.

So I got to a point in that job that for the first time in my life I was experiencing panic attacks, my blood pressure was through the roof, my health had taken a serious dive and I wasn’t able to maintain even my most basic routines. I was severely depressed and I drank all the time. I went home from work one afternoon, okay it was an afternoon, it was more like seven or 8 o’clock at night, and I poured myself a tumbler bourbon and then proceeded to download whole thing like it was a glass of water. Then I got out my shaker in the ingredients to make a nice cocktail and I sat at the desk in my home office and I sipped on two or three more drinks as I continued to work on the days project and return the hundreds of emails I had gotten in that one day that I was in meetings and was unable to answer during my normal work hours. This was a daily occurrence for me. Before I took that job I swam at least five days a week if not more, I eat healthy, and I drank but I only drink with friends or on the weekends. I was to the point that I felt like everything I touched was broken and nothing I could do would make anything better. And when you value helping other people and you feel like all you’re doing is hurting them as a terrible place to be. I had no desire to get up in the morning or to go to work when you see my friends all I wanted to do is sleep. So the day finally came that I had this epiphany. I couldn’t do this anymore. It was not what I was supposed to do with like. So I quit. I gave a month’s notice and I almost instantly felt better. It took me a really long time to recover from that year, and there are still times that I feel that stress about the state of the system and every day I know that I absolutely right choice for me. So I spent the last 30 days with the state putting things in place to open on my own private practice. Found an office, and a clinical supervisor, and I set up the entire business. They managed to wrangle some consulting work, which I love because it involves high amount travel in talking to people and helping them be more independent. And now I sit here in my office with time to kill as I build my caseload and I worry about things like in my going to have enough clients this month to pay my rent, or my car payment. Will the time that I spend with my client tomorrow be productive for them? I read the articles, go to conferences, a continual learning so I can be the best therapist that I can possibly be to help promote independence within my clients. And you know what, even though this is scary and even though some of my friends think I’m crazy for walking away from a secure job high-paying job in the prestige and had it not field, I’m finally happy.