Sell out

I toss this term around a lot.  It is a powerful phrase "I'm a sell out."  It implies I have done something against my values in order to achieve some sort of financial or otherwise tangible gain. The funny part, to me anyways, is I only half believe it.
I changed my entire life, set out on a path to achieve the goal of being a therapist.  I worked hard, finished school at the top of my class with academic awards, letters of recommendations and job offers.  Isn't that what everyone wants when they embark on a new career?
I spent two years fully invested in learning skills and stretching myself to not only be a better communicator but be a better listener.  I learned ways to apply those skills I already had and turn them into effective ways to ease peoples suffering.  We are talking stuff of my dreams here people!  how could I not love this?  I get to talk to people for a living, listen and learn about them, help them learn problem solving and to have faith in themselves so they lead more functional lives?  I get to help them decrease their own suffering?  I get to HELP people?!? Woohoo!  I value nothing more than those things.  "I am on the right path" I thought for the first time in my life.
Then this job opportunity comes along.  It is in the field that lead me back to going to school.  It pays REALLY well.  More than I have ever made.  More than my parents have ever made.  For the first time in my life I could pay all of my bills.  Get out of debt.  Help my parents.  All things that are important to me.
So, I walked away from therapy.  I told myself (and still do) I will build a private practice on the side.  I can still be a Therapist, just in addition to taking this gig.  It eats away at me a little every day.
So here is where the argument of being a sell out comes in.  The job I took, the one that pays the bills, creates lasting change for people who often cannot help themselves.  I talk to people, listen to concerns, and create policies which will allow people to learn to be more independent, get their needs met, learn things, and be healthy.  This job allows me to Help people, to decrease suffering but instead of one person at a time, the changes I attempt to implement effect thousands of people who NEED change.  People who do not have the food, medical care, mental health/behavioral supports they need to be successful.  These changes will not only affect them tomorrow but the next day, and the next year.
So as I joke about "selling out" and as I feel bad about not doing the thing I love I take solace in the fact that I am still living my values.  I value helping those who need it.  I value teaching people skills to lead more functional lives.  I value being able to take care of myself and my family.  I value making sure people feel heard.  I still do all of those things.  Just not in the way I had planned.
Does it "feed my soul?" No.  Am I "Happy?" Not really.  Is what I am doing more important than those selfish feelings? Yes.

Sometimes I need a reminder that the key in living ones values is in the direction you are traveling, not what road you take, and not the final destination.  I am still heading north.